10 Years and a new question

So…yesterday was 10 years since Angie (Katie’s biological mother) passed away. It’s always a hard time because as Katie gets older, she understands as an older girl. Every year has brought new questions, new feelings, etc. Well, this year was no different. Katie and I went out to the cemetery last night to take flowers and reflect. We walked around a little because there are other family members there as well. As we were walking and talking this question was posed: “If you and my mom were soul mates, how can you love another woman?”

Well…I don’t have a straight up, here it is, hope this clears everything up, type of answer. What I do know is God has been in control of my life since March 3, 1985 and I trust Him. When I lost Angie, I had to gather myself and live my life. I didn’t have the luxury of just ‘stopping’ and mourning. Mourning had to be done in the privacy of a few close friends. See, I had a five year old daughter who needed her daddy. Mom was no longer there and Grammy lost it for a while. So I could not be ‘captured’ by my grief. I had to capture it and raise Katie. This mindset cost me. It cost me in relationship with Angie’s family because I didn’t go into the same black hole of grief they did; it is costing me in Katie’s eyes because she doesn’t understand my decision; and it costs me with the new family because they have to watch me deal with the other two. It makes for some tough days, but just like I said ten years ago, “I don’t always understand God, but I trust Him.”

OK, back to the question at hand. I really don’t know. What I do know, and I told Katie this, if Angie were alive today, we would still be married. But that’s ‘if’ she were alive. Since she’s not, I have to remove that from my thinking or I would have ended up living in the past. That’s not fair to me, Katie or the memory of Angie. The week before Angie passed I was listening to a series of messages on the radio of how to survive the death of a spouse. Coincidence? I think not! So the night before the accident, Angie and I were sitting at the kitchen table talking about the unfortunate event of one of our untimely deaths. We agreed then that the other must re-marry because we wanted Katie to be raised with the influence of a Godly father and a Godly mother. That’s the last conversation we ever had. So when Sue came into my life, there was a calm reassurance that marriage was ok. I actually had Angie’s blessing to move on.

Maybe that doesn’t answer the question, but it definitely explains the decision I made. Looking back, the only thing I would have done differently is limited the time Katie spent with Grammy. Not because Grammy’s a bad person or anything like that, but for Katie’s sake. I found out a few years ago that Katie had been called ‘Angie’ for several years. For those who don’t know, this is bad for a child. But I didn’t know it was going on. Hind sight is 20-20 right? I don’t know if that would have made a difference in the present state of life, but that I would have changed.

Well, that’s a look into mine and Katie’s lives. Hope it doesn’t mess with you too much. Maybe you can gain a little understanding for our family; our struggles, our victories and our love. Let me leave you with this. God loves you. You may be going through hell right now, this season seems to bring that out, but rest assured, God loves you. You may not understand Him, but He is definitely worth trusting.

Peace P Roy <><